Monday, December 14, 2009

The Emotions of Honor

I have to ready myself for this ride. I think about it for a few days before I go. A mental and emotional readiness has to occur. A preparation within myself. To my right, sits a golf course, on it are small
bumps of snow, puddles of brown water from a recent early snowfall, the course sitting well below the easy winding road. This time of year, it's barren. On the left, is an endless row of regal, tall,black iron, pointed arrow-like fencing, protecting the still green landscape. Scattered mounds of evergreens, lifting from the ground, bedecked with oversized ribbons in bright red, baby blue, sunshine yellow, or royal purple, embracing valuble memories like the blankets they represent. It's really beautiful, manicured and lush, even with the fine mist in the air, setting off an occassional swish of the windshield wiper. As I approach the entry way, there's a point when the car turns into the grand gates, mirror images of  tall trees, lining either side. Elegant. peaceful, all perfectly thought out and deliberate. Here, at the end of the lane, I see a larger than life, bronze religious figure, with open welcoming arms looking toward me with downcast eyes and tilted head. Cold, huge, an icon. And yet, even in it's coldness, it is comforting. This is where it happens,riight here, everytime, that tighting of my stomach, the dryness and closing of my throat, the letting down of emotions, my eyes welling with tears, but not enough to fall. I already have tissues stuffed into my pocket when the need arises.  It's the first turn to the right, I know the route well. Two lanes down, and I see the marker. Number Eleven. I look for a big boxy granite marker as my landmark leading me to my destination. It's so ostentacious, but right for someone, that one.  But not for who I am looking for. I could find my way from here in the dark. I don't have to look or read or count, I walk and stop, as if hands from above had guided my shoulders to this exact spot. I know I am here. My eyes look down and rest on two copper colored granite headstones with engravings, a few words on each stone, holding the responsibility of forever. I read their names. And the tears flood as if they have been damned up too long. My parents. Here. Now.
 I am amazed at how much time has passed everytime I come. It didn't seem that long ago, and sometimes it feels like forever. Has it really been that many years now? I can't  pray here. I have to wait until I leave. I find humor easier. I can hear my Mother, her voice as was her way, demanding, "Where are our grave blankets, others have them already?", always the early bird, the task finisher.  "They're coming Oma", as if she can hear me. "Real soon, in the next few days, they'll be beautiful".  I can see the corners of her mouth curl up into a smile.  Glancing to the left just seemingly inches away, Dad's place, "I'll bring a beer when the weather warms, Opa, too cold now." I laugh,  I hear his voice telling his same jokes, the same ones  he laughed at himself each time, before he ever got to the punch line. There are more places to visit, more tears to shed, more memories to celebrate, for my parents and for other loved ones. Special people with sacred places in my heart. That's to share with you another time. This time is to honor my parents, with love.


  1. Well my dear lady, I had originally come by to invite you to tea, yet now I'm simply so glad you shared; absolutely!.., ( Yet sufficed to say, if you feel the need for respite later, you are more than welcome)..,

    ~Nonetheless, yet although in a good way, I must say I was quite unprepared for the flood of emotions that your poignant, heartfelt and well written tribute of honour brought forth from within me!.., Your parents sound like wonderful people and it is a gift to remember them while paying them honour and loving tribute at their place of rest!~ The grounds and sacred resting place sound like they are beautiful, noble, well groomed and therefore very fitting for the place where they are lovingly and respectfully laid to rest!..,

    I have yet to visit my dear fathers grave or my mother in laws, as I do not wish to initially go alone; dad passed away due to an accident three years ago and my mother in law in July.., Others do not wish to go for their own reasons; yet I think I want to go pay my respects!..,

    Perhaps now I shall!.., Thank you for sharing!..,Take care dear lady!

    Warmest regards from Silken Purse @ The Plumed Pen

  2. For grief I'M without words so instead I offer you my hands to hold. It's every thing to love and that you smile when thinking of them tells me all I need to know of you and your lovely parents. I'm honored that you have shared this with me.
    I wish you joy and very happiness,

  3. Beautiful. I love the concept for you blog. thanx for visiting mine!