I have been reading blogs today by just doing casual surfing and stopping when something . . . the writing, photos, description or design catch my attention. For a while, the blogs were
mostly in foriegn languages, which as much as they looked interesting, were more work than I was willing to try to figure them out. There are lots of blogs that look like the annual Christmas letter, of photos, accomplishments and daily activities of family life. There are ones that are attention grabbing by the topics of unusual and quirky. The angry blogger, the business blogs, the crafters and cooks,and many more. I did come across some that really touched me. They were, what appears to me, to be women trying to make the world perfect for their families. The goal of wanting the best for our kids, trying to have a loving and fulfilling marriage, keeping a house, sometimes having a full time job, taking care of aging parents, having a pet, and being all things to all people. Admirable. Well I'm here to to say, I couldn't do it. I tried my best and fell short. I hope that one day my kids think I was a good mom, that I can be remembered as being a caring and loving person. I divorced after years of contemplating it and realizing that somethings in life have no time that is the best time to do it. Their is no age that is easier for kids, waiting until they are young adults is still hard. You do a lot of soul searching, a lot of meditation. you seek counseling. You just have to do what's in your heart and what's right for you. People get hurt, they are confused, angry and want to place blame. But, sooner or later, you have to be true to yourself. I was becoming a shell of who I was, I had forgotten who I was. I got up in the morning, just to try to get through the day. I put on a happy face. But I wasn't a good enough actress to fool even myself. I felt like no one was happy, and I certainly wasn't. So, to those that are struggling, I felt your exhaustion and heartache through your words, stay strong, be yourself. There is no going back, no doing it over. We have one life, and you have to do what is right for you. I did. I hope that someday, my children will understand. They have more of life to experience before they can go to that place. I remain hopeful and optimistic.